Helicopter parents hover too close at their own peril

The term “helicopter parent” hovers over all of us, a dark cloud reminding of what we don’t want to become.

We want to be an involved parent. But when does an involved parent become a helicopter parent who controls every aspect of their child’s life? How do we know if we’re crossing the line? And what can we do to prevent that?

My search for answers led me to Dr. Foster Cline, a psychiatrist and one of the two men who coined the phrase “helicopter parent” back in the mid-1970s in parenting workshops they were leading.

“Sometimes the line between healthy involvement and helicopter parenting can be very thin,” Dr. Cline said during a phone interview from his home in Idaho.

We’ve all heard the term, but I thought it best that we hear Dr. Cline’s description. A helicopter parent, he said, is someone who is overly involved in their child’s life and will step in and rescue the child at the first sign of trouble. They over subscribe their child in activities, soccer, skating, wrestling, and on and on. They run a home centered around the child and constantly intervene to make sure all the child’s needs are met.

Are you a helicopter parent?

If you’re wondering whether you’re raising children at risk of becoming what Dr. Cline calls entitled brats, he suggested an easy question to ask yourself. The answer may not be easy to accept.

“If you do something for your children, do they look at you and say thanks? Helicopter parents are happy to do things for kids who are disrespectful and not thankful,” he said.

Here are some signs that your children have crossed the line. They will ruin a family vacation by constantly whining. And they will tell you to roll over because they want to sleep with you in your bed.

Creating a home where children are placed on pedestals and their needs come first is relatively new. For generations, children contributed to the well-being of a family by tending to livestock, raising crops or helping with a family business.

Parents today who put their children’s needs before theirs and never let them resolve their own problems are going to end up with disastrous consequences, Dr. Cline said.

In a recent column, he wrote that entitled children grow into entitled adults who bankrupt companies because they put their needs before the greater good of society. And they feel entitled to own a home even if they can’t afford one. And then, when things turn sour, they expect someone will swoop in and bail them out. Sound familiar? (A link to his column is included below.)

How to avoid raising an entitled brat

So what can parents do to avoid raising the next generation of entitled masters and mistresses of the universe? Dr. Cline encourages parents to live by the good neighbor policy.

“If a good neighbor treated me like this would I put up with him? If a good neighbor said ‘I want you to be there to pick me up at 1:00, not 1:10, I don’t want you to be late’ would I do that? No, I wouldn’t, so why should I do that for my children?”

What do you say to a child who treats you this way? Try saying this: Get another ride. I don’t give rides to people who treat me the way you do.

Dr. Cline offers this guideline for saving kids from a dicey situation: Do not go more than half way to rescue them from a chronic problem they have created for themselves.

Here’s a drastic example. A teen runs away and then wants to come back home. Dr. Cline said parents who will let their child back without any ground rules will almost certainly see the teen run away again. What’s needed are strict preconditions.

In case you are wondering if Dr. Cline has used his advice at home, the answer is yes. He and his wife, Hermine, have raised seven children, three are birth children, three are foster children and one is an adopted child.

The helicopter, the drill sergeant and the consultant

While Dr. Cline and his partner are closely affiliated with helicopter parents, there are two other parenting styles covered in their teachings: the drill sergeant and the consultant.

To explain the differences, Dr. Cline did a little role playing. I was the teen who hadn’t started her homework, and he was the parent.

“Isn’t it about time for your homework? In fact, what I really want you do to is when you are done with your homework, give it to me so I can go over it.”

“This homework might be beyond your abilities. Sometimes I think your school is not meeting your needs. I’m going to talk to your teachers and make sure they’re doing what you need them to do.”

“Have you done your homework yet? Have you? I’m asking you right now! I’m waiting for an answer.”

“I don’t like your laziness. You need to get your priorities straight.”

“How’s your homework going? In fact, how’s school going? You know I want you to do well. I’m interested in knowing how it’s going and will be happy to give you my thoughts and ideas if you ask.”

The key to being a successful consultant whom your child will confide in is to ask well-meaning questions, offer viable choices, be a good listener and establish firm and fair consequences for unacceptable behavior.

“You need to be like the cop who gives out a ticket but doesn’t get angry,” Dr. Cline said. “The consultant gives consequences but is polite and massively respectful.”

How to help with school work without hovering

I had to ask one more question: Should you ever help your child with homework? Here’s Dr. Cline’s rule: Help with homework only as long as you are having fun.

OK, I had more questions. What do you do if your child isn’t doing well in school? Then can you turn into a drill sergeant? Dr. Cline’s answer: No.

“Consultants let the kid know that in life you are allowed to fail or achieve based on what you decide to do,” he said.

Message for underachievers: Someone has to fry the fries

Dr. Cline did offer one suggestion that he said is a sure-fire way to let your child know there are long-term consequences to not making school a priority.

Try telling your child this: “If you don’t care about school, that’s OK. Everybody in life finds their own place. Somebody has to be at the fast-food restaurant to fry the fries. When you get your job at that fast-food restaurant, I want you to be sure and let me know so that I can drop by and have some of your fries.”

When your child hears you say that you think his only option will be to fry fries and flip burgers, Cline said a lightbulb will go off in his head. “It’s a massive wake up call to hear that from your parent,” he said.

He suggested practicing your delivery several times in front of a mirror so you don’t break into laughter while sharing the message to your child.

To learn more:

If you’d like to learn more about Dr. Cline and his partner Jim Fay, their workshops and their books, including, “Parenting with Love and Logic” and “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic,”
go to loveandlogic.com.

If you would like to read all of Dr. Cline’s column, “Effective Leadership and Parenting for Tough Times. Advice for CEOs, Legislators and Parents,” you can read it here.

You can also read our interview with Dr. Cline on how to avoid being a helicopter parent.