How to instill drive in your children

Do your children lack drive?

If they seem to be without that strong desire to succeed, veteran educator Janine Walker Caffrey said they have plenty of company.

Caffrey, author of “Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve,” said members of Generation Me - kids born between 1981 and 1996 - tend to have an unreasonable expectation that things will be handed to them and that life will be just fine regardless of their effort.

In her book, Caffrey offers parents a step-by-step roadmap to get their kids back in the driver’s seat and on the road to success. She is the founder of the Drive Institute and the Renaissance Academy, a private school in Florida that stresses intellectual curiosity and a drive to succeed.

While the goal of Caffrey’s nine steps is to change children’s behavior, she repeatedly stresses that parents need to make serious adjustments, too. Her bottom line: We don’t serve our children well by coddling them and satisfying all their desires. Her advice is geared toward parents with children who are in middle school to early adulthood, but much of her approach applies to younger children, too.

1. Be a pathfinder parent. Caffrey said too many parents try to control every aspect of their children’s waking hours, while others take a hands-off approach. She encourages parents to find a middle ground by scouting out the path ahead for their kids and helping them make good decisions.

“The helicopter parent solves all the problems for the child,” she said. “The hot-air balloon parent ignores the problem. But the pathfinder parent teaches the child how to solve his own problems and trusts that he can do it.”

(Caffrey’s exceptions: Strong parental intervention is necessary if teens face serious threats, including drug or alcohol use.)

2. Increase Risk. We are raising too many kids who avoid taking chances, so parents need to help them break out of their protective bubbles, Caffrey said. For example, a parents with kids in late elementary school through middle school should encourage their kids to overcome a fear, such as riding a rollercoaster or performing in public. She said to talk about the fear and then offer to take that scary ride together.

Parents can also encourage kids to try a new sport or activity outside their comfort zone. And don’t let them quit midway through the season or class.

Parents of high school students need to encourage them to learn to drive, work for pay or volunteer and try new activities.

Based on her experience as an educator and a mother of two, Caffrey said the best time to increase risk is in middle school because kids don’t take themselves too seriously and are willing to try new roles.

3. Decrease Rewards. Caffrey said parents and society in general are not doing kids any favors for giving them rewards “just for showing up.” Sports trophies and academic awards should only go to kids who deserve it. The same goes for small treasures teachers give to students who behave. Good behavior should be expected, not rewarded.

4. Deschedule. Caffrey said children need free time to play in an unstructured environment.

“They are trying on different roles and creating and practicing the skills, especially social skills, that they will need later in life,” she said.

As difficult as this economy is, Caffrey said, it has one bright spot: Parents are cutting back on all the dance classes, sports, art lessons and music instruction that dominated their children’s lives. By cutting back on some structured activities, families have more time to spend together and kids have more time to create their own fun.

5. Reduce Comfort. Giving our children everything they desire does not provide them with the motivation to take risks and go out and get what they want on their own, Caffrey said.

Her solution: Take away creature comforts and let kids earn them. If your middle schooler wants to go to the movies with friends, tell him he can earn the money by cleaning the garage.

If your high schooler is afraid of learning to drive, stop being her chauffeur. When possible, have her walk, ride a bike or take public transportation. Let her know that learning to drive is part of becoming an independent adult.

6. Delay Gratification. At a time when instant celebrity and immediate wealth are mainstays of mass media, Caffrey said, kids need to know that success takes time, hard work and personal responsibility.

Parents can buy great opportunities for their kids when they are young, perhaps an intensive and expensive summer music camp. But as they get older, they will need to earn those opportunities through talent and hard work.

7. Encourage Accomplishment. If you want your children to go far, praise their hard work and not their inherent intelligence or talent.

Caffrey said she is a huge fan of Stanford University psychology professor Carol Dweck, who advises parents that if they want to raise smart kids, they should start by not telling them they are smart.

(To learn more about Dweck and her research on the psychology of success, read Such A Smart Mom’s Want to raise smart children? Praise their effort, not their intelligence

8. Control the Crowd. If you want your children to succeed in school and other endeavors, you need to keep a close eye on their circle of friends, Caffrey said.

When her kids were young, Caffrey said, “I always infiltrated their schools; that always worked for me.” From inside the classroom, she could monitor their choices in friends. As her children got older, she made sure they invited friends over so she could get to know them.

Like-minded kids tend to seek each other out, so help guide your kids to friends who value hard work, Caffrey said.

9. Create a Sense of Purpose. Young children have a sense of purpose. It may be to learn to walk or to make a huge pile of rocks in the backyard. They approach their work with great resolve.

This trait, she said, tends to disappear as children get older. We can help them get it back by encouraging them to pursue interests that they are passionate about. And, Caffrey cautioned, we should remember that this sense of purpose may not be tied to earning a huge salary.

“It may not be how they will earn their income,” she said. “But it’s what gives them a reason to be.”

To learn more: A video interview with Janine Walker Caffrey is available on the Drive Institute Web site.